To emerge from the cell of workaholic... On July 19, 2024, I heard through my sleep a loud cry from a man that he wanted to rest peacefully... I did not perceive that someone may be dying, admittedly it is a dream, but "do not be unbelieving", such... I went to sleep after waking up. Some souls afterwards still seemed to be hitting each other in their sleep and had trouble getting through with their cries. All of them that night as if thirsty for solace, suffering. In the morning I got busy with work. I determined for myself that at 3pm I would pray for them, joining the prayer from the Chapel of Mercy in Lagiewniki. It was not easy, because today I received a report, you need to save ... a project of great value. My task is to prepare it, for urgent reference, that is, promising research for ... strict industry. This needs to be given the rank of scientific presentations, presented, etc. Well, but nothing, I joined in prayer, let it happen what it will, deadlines are running out and the project will fall ... I felt that it is in my life, as it should be. As I prayed, I took up work again, with peace of mind. Nothing fell down. I was even thanked for my sobriety of thought and walking on the ground, despite my artistic abilities. They appreciated my work more when they waited and were glad that someone knew how to help them. I'm not a rip-off, nevertheless the task is big and it's worth half a month of my work (and I'll get another on a permanent basis), so I was happy to know that in August I'll probably go to the Chapel of Mercy a few times... At ease. In my life, this is a feat, because for five years I haven't taken a break from work... I know that everything I have, by the grace of God, and He has been patient for a long time... I don't lose as I pray, but in the end I'm much lighter, and I was afraid... There was a great lack of prayer in my life today... On Fridays is my duty at the Chaplet for the Dying. I pray with all my spiritual strength, fervently, that the soul in question will trust in God's mercy and be saved... Which I have entrusted every time in the Divine Mercy Chaplet. I feel that it's not easy, but when I finish praying – I feel, in turn, such peace, pure thoughts... I try to empathize with these souls... I also struggle with my weakness to pray as well as possible. Because I know the seriousness of the matter... Then I still last a few moments on the rosary, in concentration, to accompany these souls with all my strength, and I remember those then, which came earlier, in a dream or which were entrusted to me as part of the Chaplet for the Dying in general. I apologize for my inadequacies and omissions and give thanks. I feel confidence itself flowing over me, the presence of God, at my fingertips, and I know that the prayer was good... And I glorify Him on this rosary still and learn to love better, to know His grace. I reflect on my mistakes and plan to live better, to be more for the needs of the world... I learn to value life. And to remember that everything is in God's hands. I have a lot of spiritual potential, but I lived how I lived... at times... Fortunately. Accumulated from this a few years on rough waves, but God did not extinguish my life....
And he flared up for lack of strength. Yes, I've been at death a couple of times, and I'm 30-something years old and in good shape. God gave me everything from scratch and more... This is His mercy. The nights are calm, almost all of them. It's just that suddenly everything slowed down, on the beads, when I recited the Chaplet of Mercy. My employer today reminds me – "Work, work, time... You'll get yours". It's just that I don't want to continue to live like this... After all that has happened to me – I don't enjoy anything, and I understood in the Chapel of Mercy that I only want God... Until such a cleansing, detachment from all life, unbearable physical and mental pain to be able to admit such a truth; this was the greatest gift, this suffering... It is necessary to catch the balance, because you can not do anything, there are too many needs of the world... A literary workshop at the Y publishing house, I do not know if I will be, and this is the way to the best in creativity; it falls out to be. August – a conference at almost the best university in the world, I won't be, but I will devote my next work to the protection of life at world conferences of this type... I can't reject everything I've been striving for all my life, with difficulty... Because I recognized that it's all nothing, human inventions, and God is everything real, the most beautiful and the best... The most wonderful and the most holy. Everything in the face of this is nothing, my love missed like a bullet through a fence and my small mind in the face of the power of which He has no end... But I already know that His mercy is the full remedy for this night... So after this cleansing even with joy, yes, not felt for a long time I sit down to write another scientific text for a journal in an exotic country (the cradle of interesting medical discoveries). As I blazed the trails more firmly on my behalf, in science I will glorify the values of God's Christian civilization, demanding in medicine the urgent protection of life in the face of modern changes. But I will not condemn anyone for what has already happened... I am a man who should carry hope – this is my profession, among others – and help to get out of crises, because every life is always stronger and more valuable than anything less. This is my way, I will try to give more time to it in my life, because what is more important than human life... I know well what a man in the market often means, how much he is productive, and he works for various large entities, people... I want to work for the civilization of God, because it will not exploit me and throw me out, when I no longer need anything, and in the human world this happens too often... And I will do something really good, for the general people... But I know, it is impossible to live perfectly, behind me mistakes, however, shaped me, besides, I can not just work without pay, because many human needs around will fall. Difficult compromises, nevertheless, with the mercy of God, everything is to live on, despite everything... And it is these moments, breakthroughs, flashes of consciousness that count... The more it costs me to pull human affairs, the better... And someday maybe God will accept me into the world, in which after each day I do not sit alone without a word in the evenings....
The workshop was intense. I did not return to creativity for a bit. I approached the task, wrote a small poetic treatise, it seemed to me that pure philosophy, reflection on time, history of places. A well-known literary critic was stunned, he said it was beautiful... A vision written in the old language and began to spin a serious, involved – explanation, reassuring that Milosz knew that man is sometimes a tool and conveys the dimensions of others. I perceive that it is already difficult to keep the multiplication of spiritual experiences firmly in check... I was reminded of how the poet returned from Rome after 11 years. I met him in college. He claimed to have visions and express them in poetry. He once wrote that I have a heart like a diamond, a million harder than a nut, and although delicacy, a sharp, fierce firmness, unyielding, and such a person, which seems like an angel – appears to him only in such a way that he serves churches and God, for example, giving tours like his and telling there about the tower with the clock or an over-prized painting from one of the monasteries. I went from these studies and he became bitter too... He was a mature man, I was a teenager at the time and did not know what this strange person was making up and reading in the market... And today I already find it difficult to suppress what others see and so it has always been... Only no one laughed at it, and when I wanted to annihilate it in myself, there was little left of me... It even ended tragically. What is this... Man is not a creation apparently detached on earth already from eternity... The limited will laugh. My frail strength... And the words he wants to quickly throw out, simplify, rationalize. However, it does not pass... It's simply a mystical creation, and that's probably my role. After all, I've seen others similar to myself... What kind of people took it and made their own.
Nie jest straszna śmierć, ale strach przed nią, najstraszniejszy jest.